Up to this point I have been sharing my story in chronological order, from my earliest recollections up until 11th grade in high school, but for a moment I would like to speak about my present, my current situation.
Right now it is 1:19am and I can’t sleep. For the past year and a half to two years, I have been battling depression. It just came on, out of nowhere. I mean my life has pretty much been a disaster, but I never dealt with this type of sadness before, this deep-rooted blueness that won’t go away. Now, some days are better than others, but what I mean by that is I can actually get out of bed on that particular day. I have an appointment with my primary care physician tomorrow to hopefully start the process of healing, even if that means medication. Of course, as a Christian, I have been praying about it, but sometimes you just need medical assistance and since this is not going away, that is the option I am now choosing. Either I can’t sleep, like tonight, or I just can’t get up. Sometimes I can’t even get myself to leave the house.
This whole thing is strange because I believe the last seven years with my second husband Jeff have been the best years of my life, so I am confused why this has come on like this. I have never sought counseling for the other horrible forty-five years of my life, but I thought I had that settled with God. I also had a hysterectomy about 5 years ago, but I have been on hormones, but the lowest dosage you can get. THAT is going to be increased greatly tomorrow. I think it should have been increased years ago, but was just kind of laid to rest, forgotten. Maybe my whole issue is just the low hormones…I guess we shall see.
Like I said, some days are “good”, I can get out of bed and function, sometimes pretty well…but then there are the bad days. Days I am so blue and said it is rooted deep in my soul. There is no way to explain it to someone if they have never experienced it for themselves. It is excruciating. Although there is not a physical pain like being punched in the stomach or stabbed, there IS a pain, one that is inexplicable, I wish I could put it into words but I can’t. It is dreadful.
A few months back I was actually laying in bed looking up famous people who have committed suicide and I was just thinking, these people have all the money in the world, the best doctors at their disposal, beloved by millions and if they could find no other way out, what does that mean for me? That is how bad the “pain” is. And if it continues you just start to feel like there is no reason to keep living. And as a Christian that scares me. If I took my own life I would spend eternity in hell and that is why I don’t think I ever would. But I don’t have what these rich people had. We live on a budget, I don’t get to go to the best specialists in the world. These famous people COULD, but still chose to take their own lives. Maybe they didn’t seek help, maybe they were too embarrassed…I just don’t know. My life doesn’t make sense and their lives don’t make sense. I just know that through it all I know that God loves me and has a purpose for my life. If I am still living then He is not done with me yet. Thou Shall Not Kill is a commandment, though He did not get specific on the terms or loopholes of that (just joking), I assume taking one’s own life would be considered a sin. And I don’t want to go to hell.
Please just pray for me. I am hoping to get answers and help tomorrow. I just want this pain and emptiness to go away-it has to because living this way is horrible. It really is not even living. I will let you know in my next blog, hopefully, tomorrow night.