So I finally graduated from Jefferson Davis Junior High and landed at Nathan Bedford Forest Senior High School. I was still drinking and drugging, but things are about to get much worse!
While I was still at Jefferson Davis I met a guy named Mike who became my boyfriend for a few short months. After junior high, he got a car and called me. We started dating again if that is what you want to call it. I lost my virginity to him at the age of 15. It is very embarrassing to me to admit that, but there you go. It didn’t last long, he got what he wanted and I realized I did not really like him that much anyway…no harm, no foul…except that he took my virginity!
The first time I had blood in my underwear and I hid them under my bed. Yes, of course, my mother found them. She talked to me about it, told me how hurt was…how hurt SHE was, after all she had made me endure through my childhood years. It was a freaking joke. And I did not care.
10th grade went by pretty easily, with the only exception I had now met people that sold pills in school. Mostly quaaludes and some other pills I can’t remember the names of. I would save my lunch money and indulge. My need to stay high was at an all-time high (no pun intended!)
The summer between 10th and 11th grades changed things for me drastically. During the summer between these two grades I “developed” at a great rate of speed, and I don’t mean intellectually or socially. I mean I had to buy a bra and boy, how things changed when I got back to 11th grade. First, I realized girls just did not like me so much anymore and the boys became very nice. It was also during this year a new family moved in the neighborhood across the street from me…three sisters, two who attended Forest with me and one younger sister. It was the oldest sister, I will call Marnie, that I became friends with. She found out about all the parties and things going on…and she had a car. We would go every Friday night to whatever party was going on. There is this street called Old Middleburg Road that was completely deserted at that time, just the street with forest on either side, that I can remember. That was a huge party place that we frequented a lot. When it was cold we would build bonfires. And of course, there was a tremendous amount of drugs and alcohol at these parties (or they wouldn’t be a party, right?) There were boys and girls at these parties, so I am sure you can imagine what went on. And yes, embarrassingly enough, a few of the boys had their way with me. If something like that happened now people would be going to jail…but again, a different time. And I did not say no. I thought it meant they liked me. It didn’t. “My bad” as the kids used to say. Of course, the drugs and alcohol were guiding everything. If we had been drinking punch and eating cupcakes I am sure things would have been much different. So, this was my crowd, the beer drinking, sex having crowd. I am not proud of myself.
Please HEAR ME NOW young ladies, you are so valuable, to yourself, to God, to your future husband. Drugs and alcohol may give you bravery that you think you need, but please listen. If you are in a situation that you need to medicate yourself, then you are in a situation where you need HELP! Please get that help from someone! Anyone! Don’t degrade yourself like I did. Tell someone. I know that coming from a dysfunctional family hurts, but allowing other people to hurt you (your peers) is NOT THE ANSWER. You can get counseling and sometimes prescription medications to help you through. In telling my story I am telling the truth, but I am in no way condoning the life I lived-quite the contrary.
So this went on through the 11th grade. Marnie was a year ahead of me, so after the 11th grade she graduated and that was the end of that friendship. Friendships built on drug and alcohol abuse are not true friendships, just people using people.
It was also during the 11th-grade year that I met a boy that I actually liked. He was very charming, the first boy to ever kiss me on my hand! He was in the 12th grade and a Christian. He was a football player and hung with the jocks and popular people. I remember our first meeting in the hallway at school when he kissed my hand. I don’t really remember much between that time and the first time we, you guessed it, had sex. I assume we would see each other in the hallway and talk. And then I started seeing him at some parties. I am not sure how the relationship started, but it did. But I was not his girlfriend…once again just getting used. But I thought that he really liked me…but I was his “secret” when he hung around his jock and Christian friends. I was not really sure what it meant to be a Christian, just that he told me that he was one. He told me his one vice was sex. He was actually very nice and we did talk a lot, but even so, it was the same old situation-getting used. But this was the first time I actually liked the guy had a true crush. I knew I was being used because he was pursuing a Christian girl at school. I had such low self-esteem it was not even funny. Maybe daddy issues. I just don’t know. This sexual relationship continued through my 11th grade; he was a year older and graduated before I did. After graduation that was the end of that, but it was the first time I felt betrayal and the true feeling of being used and dumped. It hurt. And it also irked me because everyone thought he was such a great guy, and in many ways, he was…but just not to me. Thank God 11th grade ended.